I consider three aspects to be essential for a relationship to work out:

• to grasp small and big crisis as a chance to deepen the relationship
• to deeply understand one's own patterns in relationship as well the our partner's, i.o. to be able to break up the power struggle and sabotage, and come back into a loving and respectful connection
• to know precisely how constructive dialogue can be accomplished.

I regard couples therapy as a kind of coaching, which helps both partners to learn how to live love by

• leaving behind rigid role patterns as well as dissatisfying matters which one takes for granted
• seeing each other more clearly and to learn how to avoid personal hurt
• reaching agreements how to deal adequately with 'difficult' feelings and tensions which do come up in every relationship
• working at preventing a wall or a chasm to come up between them
• keeping alive their love and to - possibly - deepen it,
• live a fulfilled sexual life.

Conflicts between couples are usually power struggles between protective patterns. Our adult part, which is usually present in a wise and guiding way and makes good choices, then suddenly fades into the background. The adapted child part of the personality takes over and behaves according to a survival pattern that it learned many, many years ago in order to protect the injured child part.

Couples therapy is helpful or necessary if these protective and survival patterns are triggered too often in the relationship dynamic, and a power struggle between the two adapted child parts almost inevitably arises. The automatic reaction of the adapted and injured child part then comes to the fore and the wise adult looks on helplessly.
Couples therapy means first of all,

1. first recognizing one's own protective patterns and acknowledging their often toxic effect on the partnership. Feedback from the partner is often helpful here - provided the wise adult can listen. And it is helpful to recognize that protective patterns have evolved over time and are necessary, instead of judging yourself (or the other person) for them.

2. to understand the "destructive couple dance" as a common enemy of the desired good relationship. This is easier if both partners take on 50% of the responsibility for the relationship dynamic.

3. to realize that my own protective measures - as much as they may seem inevitable and justified to me - are hell for my partner. If we want to find our way back to a loving connection, we have to get out of the escalation of protective patterns together and more or less simultaneously.

When we are in a crisis in our relationship and seek help, we all naturally hope that we can unlearn protective patterns that are deeply rooted in our nervous system within a very short space of time.

Most of the time it takes patience, most of the time it takes patience - because cognitive insight alone is not enough. It takes patience and commitment until both partners have really developed the competence to replace the automatic reaction with a new, appropriate, conscious and loving response.

Couples therapy is a process and a lot of work. Once some of the work is done, there are phases where everything goes well, and these phases become longer and longer.

Until at some point, the couple therapist becomes superfluous because the couple knows how to interrupt the destructive dance in a crisis and how to restore the lost connection through newly learned behaviors instead.

Needless to say, I also attend couples

• who wish to check with each other whether they want to stay together or not
• for those who have made up their mind to separate and who seek mediation in order to part as smoothly as possible
• for those who bring up specific issues such as sexuality, loyalty/affairs, addiction, dependence, traumatic life events, and others.

I like to combine the methods of Imago Relationship Therapy, Tikkun Couple Coaching, and Systemic Psychotherapy. On certain occasions I incorporate elements of body therapy, or aspects of Integral Human Design, in the process.

My clients value my mindful and appreciative style of working with them. They also regard highly that I have decades of work experience, and tend to bring things to the point rather quickly.

In couple therapy I work with an 'open end' time frame of 100-150min, in order to provide enough space for you to reach your goals in every session, and for your nervous systems to open and develop as needed.

Since many years I offer zoom video conference sessions in English for couples who live too far away to come to my office.